Disclaimer: not mine.

*grinning sheepishly* I can explain, really I can...umm...I haven't written in*pause* a long time, because I've been trying to write sap and haven't been able to and the sap I've written I've trashed? Heh heh *sweatdrop* my muse seems to be on an endless track around humor (grrrr.someone tell her to stop! I have a perfect sap story to write and I can't!! *wails*) , so here's more humor(warning: bashing, everyone comes under fire in their most stereotypical form *grins* HOWEVER, I am unbiased in this area*pause* except that Duo and Hilde escape for the simple reason that they were bashed in the first chapter. Hee hee...enjoy!)

This fic is dedicated to Caliko, who is definitely huggable n' alwayz there for me to complain and talk to, and Shattered, who always finds time to review my stories. ^_~ Love you guyz!

Heero and Wufei looked up warily as Duo bounced into the room, whistling cheerfully as he tossed himself onto one of the plush couches of the faculty room.

"Hey guys, wussup?" Duo asked in a singsong voice, nimbly snagging the TV remote control. As he began aimlessly flipping through the one hundred and sixty channels on the tube, the other four Gundam pilots studied him with contemplative trepidation.

Leaning closer to Trowa, Quatre whispered softly, "He doesn't seem mad."

"Mad?" The Shinigami with prenatal good hearing tipped back in his seat to fix a merry amethyst eye on the others, a grin still fixed to his face. "Why would I be mad? I mean, it was only a joke, right? Hah hah, really funny. I mean, you only humiliated me and made my girl into an S&M Queen from Hell. No biggie, right? It's not like I'm gonna...oh say...take Deathscythe for a spin and decimate your Gundams. It's not like, I'm gonna paint bunnies in Wing Zero's cockpit or anything." If anything, Duo's grin grew even wider and his eyes started to glitter wickedly. "Nah, I wouldn't do that, right, guys?"

Wufei looked at Trowa.

Trowa looked at Quatre.

Quatre looked at Heero.

Heero picked up the latest edition to Seventy-two Different Ways to Kill Your Enemy.

"You will not get close enough to defile my beautiful Nataku!" Wufei upped from his slouch and in a dignified, yet hasty stalk, evacuated the room.

"Um...I think I should...uh...check up on Sandrock..." Quatre smiled nervously and followed Wufei out at a run.

"..." With an unemotional shrug, Trowa went after him, then paused as Heero made no move to join them. "Aren't you coming?"

"Wing Zero isn't in the main hanger bay," Came back the equally emotionless reply, "I self-destructed in last week's scene take."

***

"Buster rifle!"

"Check!"

"Earthshaker Forcefield!"

"Check!"

"Dragon Glaive!"

"Check!"

"Beam gattling!"

"Check!"  

"Magunac Corps!"

"We are here to serve you, Master Quatre!!"

Wufei rolled his eyes momentarily as forty four voices pronounced (quite loudly) their fealty to a slim, blue-eyed Arabian, shaking the bolts loose from Nataku's precious frame. For the moment, he ignored the damage done...for the moment. When this is over...oh you will pay...

"Electric fences, turrets, high security surveillance cameras, and Oo Loong Tea!"

"Check, check, check..." Quatre paused uncertainly, peering at the last item on the list, "um...I don't see how tea is going to stop Duo from destroying our Gundams, Wufei..."

Wufei shrugged, pouring himself a small cup and sighing in contentment before he admitted, "It won't. I'm just thirsty." Switching back to his Preventor mode, Wufei surveyed his rather small "army" (consisting of Trowa and Quatre) coolly, before he announced, "We are facing a dishonorable enemy that has troubled us greatly in the past. He, that has threatened our beloved Nata...er...mecha with ultimate destruction. We have slaved to prepare ourselves for this moment, and this moment has finally come, to test our skill, test our strength, and most of all, test our honor!" Taking a deep breath before his face could purple from lack of oxygen, he continued forcefully, "We have done all we could, and I can safely say, that we are safe behind these electric fences and armored walls, and that nothing can defeat-"

"Wufei Chang, you are so dead!" A female, and highly annoyed voice caused Wufei's tirade to cease abruptly, his voice cutting into a strangled squeak as he leaned over the high wall to sea an irate blonde glaring back up at him. Sally frowned furiously, shaking a temporarily impotent fist up at her "partner" as she stared up a long expanse of concrete and wire.

"Onna?!"

"That's Miss Onna to you, buster, and get down here so I can kill you, right now!"

Mustering his bravado, although he had a decidedly unmanly urge to cower, Wufei yelled indignantly, "What have I done to you now, onna?" If anything, that seemed to make her angrier as she yanked a thick sheaf of papers from her carry-all, waving them in an all encompassing gesture.

"What have you done to me, you miserable scum from the bottom of the universe?? What's this huh?" Quickly, she riffled through the stack, coming up with the entry she wanted, "Ahem. Januray first of this year: "Women have attempted to control the Earth, and it is up to I, Wufei Chang, to stop their feminist advances. Their puny forces cannot stop the ultimate superiority and masculinity of the last of the Dragon Clan, and I shall cleanse their weak taint from this world, for I am a man. All will submit to my will, especially-"" And here, Sally's voice choked with rage and fury as she glared up at him with glowing, tawny eyes, "that onna Sally, who will come to serve and obey my every goddamn fucking whim!!" She slammed the papers to ground, grinding it beneath her army boots, "Come down here Chang, and face me like a man!!"

By now, Wufei's blood had run cold with ice as he frantically tried to remember exactly when he had shown his partner this piece of information, and came quickly and accurately to the conclusion that he hadn't. Damn you Duo!! "Kisama, woman! Have you never heard of fanfiction?"

"Yeah? Well, let's give your fans some more fiction to chew on, Chang! Get your ass down here!!"

Like hell. He wasn't that stupid...

"Ummm....what are you going to do now, Wufei?" Quatre asked nervously, eyeing the Preventor agent.

"About what?" Wufei scoffed openly, "She can't get in-" KABOOM!! The walls seemed to shake furiously, rattling from side to side as a huge projectile slammed into it. "What in the name of my ancestors!?"

Quatre looked up, and his cherubic sky-blue eyes widened in terror. He bit his lower lip to keep from shrieking (it would be too impolite for a man of his impeccable breeding) as he whispered hoarsely, "It's Dorothy!!"

Dorothy laughed, tossing back her platinum gold hair about her head as she eyed the helpless Gundam pilots with feline amusement from the safety of her triply armored Leo. Tapping lightly at her microphone, she said happily (or maliciously...who could really tell?), "Well well, hello, my dear Quatre! Your friend Duo has informed me that you would enjoy learning my philosophy in war, so naturally, I agreed to his request! You and I are going to have so much fun, don't you agree? Oh, and by the way, before you even think about getting into your Gundams and destroying this Leo...don't. I have got this wonderful war machine ensured by the ACME Novelty Company, which assures me that this is unbeatable."

Quatre didn't reply, just proceeded to cower in terror as the fences and walls collapsed under heavy firepower leaving Wufei to fend for himself from his glowering partner. Hopping out of the Leo, Dorothy smiled diplomatically and proceeded to drag the poor Arabian off to the fencing room with the purred suggestion, "Let's try another fencing bout, shall we?"

Sally was also dragging Wufei off, but with a less innocent, "Let's see if we can't get the testosterone infested idiot to change his ways, huh Fei?"

Trowa stood in the midst of the rubble, arms folded thoughtfully at his chest. He supposed he should go after Quatreafter all, the little one would need help from that infamous warmongerbut before he would tangle with that she-devil, he would need to get Heero's helpand perhaps some sleeping gas.

As he set off to attain the necessary...defensive measures, he did not have any foreknowledge of the company that Duo had cheerfully let through the gates of the Gundam Studios. If he had, he would have thought it best to brave Dorothy's lions den alonetoo bad for him, isn't it?

***

Relena smiled happily as her braided escort led her through the simulated hanger of the Gundam Wing prop set, clapping her hands in delight as her entourage 'oohed' and 'aahed', "Oh thank you Duo, I...I don't know how to repay you for this wonderful gift! I would have never been able to stalk...er...find Hee-chan in this big place alone!"

Her entourage of 'Relena-supporters" giggle happily, "Oh, Relena's so smart!" "And so pretty." "Yes she is!" "I wish I was like her!" (AN: I don't mean the fans that support Relena, I mean the girls at her school(s) that were always running up to her and praising her...THEM, I can't stand. *grins)

"Hey 'jousan, no prob! And I'm sure, Heero is definitely looking forward to seeing you too," Duo replied easily, with characteristic Shinigami charm. He smiled gleefully down at Hilde, who grinned back and held up a camcorder in tacit reassurance. "In fact, I think it'll be a real Kodak moment, don't you?"

Before Relena could respond, her clique had already filled the split second of silence with choruses of "Oh absolutely." "Who wouldn't want to meet Miss Relena?" "She's so smart, and so brave..." "Yes she is!"

Leaning closer to the former Queen, Duo asked in a conspiratorial voice, "Eh...'jousan. What the hell's wrong with them?"

In an equally low voice, Relena replied softly, "I keep them on Valium...last time they missed their dosage, they found out that Pokémon really didn't exist...Misty went into fits of hysteria...I couldn't calm her down for weeks." Duo sweatdropped, and glanced back at the brightly smiling, blank-eyed girl with the tag-name "Misty" pinned to her pink jumper...and decided not to ask.

Thankfully, by that time, they had already reached the actors' greenroom, and with a Shinigami's wicked grin and a flourish of the fingers, Duo flung open the door, singing lightly, "Hey Hee-ro...guess who's come to vi-sit!"

"Hn?" Heero looked up with bored eyesand immediately tensed as he his vision was dominated a figure swathed in several layers of white chiffon.

*Glomp* "Hee-chan!!"

Suddenly, Heero felt his neck bone momentarily divorce the base of his skull as Relena enveloped him in a "welcoming" hug, leaving him quite literally stunned. Vaguely, he could hear the chattering of, "Oh, isn't this sweet?", "They lsook so cute as a couple" and "Yes they do! Yes they do!" Unfortunately, he was having other problems (like breathing) and didn't have the time to forcefully wreck their obvious misconception.

"Re-le-???!!!"

"Oh, I missed you, Heero! You don't write, and you don't call...if it wasn't for Duo, I would have never found you at all!"

That was the point. Heero thought darkly, glaring at his hilarity-convulsed "friend", but try as he might, he couldn't break free of her grip. Whoever had written in the script that Relena was supposed to be "dainty" and "fragile" definitely had not met her face to face.

Suddenly the background chatter stopped as the door opened slowly to reveal an auburn-haired Latin youth. His eyes glowed with dulled emerald intensity and his long body was well-sculpted and graceful as any acrobats. In other words

"Whoa..." One of the girls whispered, stunned.

Then the whole group erupted into a babble of, "Relena, Relena! Who is that?" "Is he available?" "He's so bishounen!" "Ara, ara! Look at his muscles!"

Trowa glanced into the room uneasily, finding himself suddenly surrounded by high school girls that were admiring his well-made...physique with unappreciated boldness. His apprehension increased tenfold when one of them turned around to address her idol, who was still squeezing the life out of one Perfect Soldier. "We want him!" She announced, and then the whole gaggle converged on him, chanting, "Relena, Relena, what should we do?"

Relena glanced at her troupe of worshipful followers, then at Trowa, who was contemplating the door with an emotionless green eye.

"Is he bishounen?" Frantic nodding.

Trowa shifted uneasily and tried to "be a man" and not run away, "..."

"Do you want him?" Frantic nodding.

"..." The door was getting more and more enticing...

"What will you do with him when you've got him?"

"We'll play with him-" "And love him!" "And change his icky clothing!" "Yes we will!"

"...!!" Trowa sweatdropped at the last part, inching backwards. His one visible eye had widened slightly in imperceptible alarm.

"Then go get him." Relena said patiently from her leech-like position at Heero's waist.

"Oh thank you! Thank you Miss Relena!" That was too much for the stoic Trowa. He immediately broke for the door, leaping over the hoards of bishounen-loving girls with desperate ease.

"Oh please don't go, Trowa!" One of the girls called with saccharine sweetness as she managed to latch on to his pant leg so that she dragged on the floor for a couple of steps before he managed to shake her off, "We'll even help you fix your hair." That was the last straw.

A soft, strangled, "Eep," emerged from Trowa's lips before he flung the door open, escaping, or so he thought, into the relative safety of the hallway.

"Relena, Relena, what should we do?" The Relena-Worshipers cast glazed eyes towards their leader, who was still clinging to Heero. The poor Perfect Soldier was gagging as he attempted to pry the "Princess of Peace's" loving fingers from around his throat, his eyes bulging as he experienced a sudden lack of oxygen. But her body-lock was absolute and he had no space to grab his gun from his hammer space, leaving him at her not-so-tender mercies.

Relena looked up from fussing with Heero long enough to ask, albeit not-so-patiently, "Do you want him?" Frantic nodding. "Then go after him."

They nodded again and began jabbering amongst themselves as they smiled at Relena adoringly, "Oh she's so smart!" "I love Ms. Relena." "Oh, me too, me too!" "And she's so beautiful..." "Yes she is!"

"He's getting away." Relena reminded and her supporters disappeared in a patter of tiny footsteps.

"Yes Miss. Relena!" "Relena's so smart!" "We need to get him!" "Oh yes, he's so bishounen!" "I love him!" "Oh me too me too!"

As their shrill, whiney voices faded into the hallway, Relena turned back to Heero with a slow smile slanting her features. "Now what, pray tell, should I do with you?" Heero's eyes widened imperceptibly as she ran a hand through his already mussed up hair. She couldn't mean

"Oh yes I do, Heero Yuy!" Relena purred, accurately guessing his thoughts, "We're going to...watch pacifist tapes!"

"NOOOOO!!!!" Heero's voice rang through the halls and a frantic scuffle ensued on stage set 69 accompanied by Relena's loud scolding and Heero's threatening "omae o kuruso!!" In the end, girl-power won as Relena called several Preventer Units in, which tied him to a chair with several links of titanuim chain, several hundred locking mechanisms and handcuffs, all of which would have taken about five minutes for Heero to normally get out of.

HOWEVER...Relena had used a bottle of Insta-Freeze that Duo had helpfully supplied her with for the nominal fee of $500 dollars a spray, leaving Heero glued to the seat like a plastic statue. Unfortunately for him, she had used the spray liberally so not only could he not move, he couldn't speak either, so the Preventers, which incidentally incidentally consisted of an all female squad, took his abrupt silence as consent and left the "lovebirds" alone with much eye-fluttering and sighing.

Relena smiled sweetly, batting huge, baby-blue eyes as she fingered the remote control with a neatly manicured hand. "Okey-dokey silly Hee-chan. Nowvwhere were we?"

"!!!"

 ***

~*Meanwhile...*~

"I'll get you for this Maxwell!" Wufei was slapped across the head as the much-feared Dragon of the Middle Kingdom tried vainly to twist out of his securely tied position in his chair.

Sally nestled comfortably on the couch reading calmly, "And it is undoubtedly true that the female mind has become more advanced than the archaic male studies first believed. Their ability to function in their left and right lobes of the brain far outweigh the capabilities of men-"

"I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!! KUSO!!!"

"Socially speaking, the fairer sex has always been more eager to accept new ideas, thus benefiting society as a whole...."

*~And yet still...~*

Trowa shook off three more girls as he vainly tried to open the hanger bay to his Gundam. The girls, on the other hand, managed to shake off his sweater, leaving him shirtless and desperate when one of the she-demons appeared with a bottle of "MAX-WAX: gel? Who needs it when you've got MAXWAX! The Duo-preferred brand of instant stick!"

"I've got his TURTLENECK!!" O.o

"Who cares? Hold him down!"

~*Last one, I promise...*~

Dorothy stalked Quatre as he scooted nervously around the fencing room, a feline grin plastered to her forked face. "Well well Q-chanshall we begin?"

Quatre gulped, looked into Dorothy's glinting saber and forgot his vow to remain calm and polite.

He started screaming.

***

Duo grinned, unperturbed by the utter chaos that ran amok in studio. In fact, he was quite pleased at his latest prank on the rest of the caste and was whistling cheerfully as he fastened an arm securely around Hilde's slim waist. "I don't deserve you babe."

The dark-haired girl looked up long enough from her camcorder to grin impishly and shrug. "I know."

tbc

Heh heh...I love my G-wing boys...

*Freezing Deathglares, waving scythes, etc. level on FS*

What???

*Quatre calmly stands in front of the camera as G-Wing cast closes in on Sable*

Quatre: This part of the...er...film...will be censored as we make our displeasure known to the author of this fic. *FS starts laughing nervously in the background as Heero raises his gun* G'night alland please remember to support Gundam Wing by buying our overpriced paraphernalia and bidding on Ebay for our action figures and manga. *pause* oh yeah...and remember to review.

*Screaming commences*