Disclaimer: dis- = "not", claim = "possession", I think the name says it all, don't you?

Author's note: *sweatdrop* um...major cussing...cussing...gomen

*grins* bong! For those of you that guessed who the guy was, congrats! ;) Good job and whatnot, heh hehlast chappy! Sorry so late, but, uh, HW, need I say more? *wince and mumbles* evil teachersenjoy!

The doctor paused at Hilde's scream, glancing towards the door. Her hands froze and her eyes widened in amazement, then panic before she glanced measuringly at the telephone that sat on the counter. Before she could make a move however, she found a gun pointed at her face and paled considerably as she stared into the American Gundam pilot's composed face.

"Hey, don't worry about it...she's my fiancée," Duo said easily...or as easily as he was able holding a gun. "Now, why don't you worry about my baby instead, huh? Hilde's giving birth, isn't she?" The obstetrician gulped then nodded nervously and turned back to Hilde, who was swearing profusely. For the moment, Duo ignored her and bent instead to ungag the minister. "Sorry about that... but I needed you to come right away, know what I mean?"

The man managed a calm nod as if he was abducted from the church grounds every day and held up his hands for Duo to untie the ropes that bound his wrists together. "That's quite all right...although perhaps next time you might ask instead of trussing me up like a Christmas turkey." He said wryly, massaging the skin where the ropes had scraped a little. "And perhaps you might enlighten me on the nature of my...visit?"

Hilde, who had thus far remained relatively silent, hissed, "If you haven't noticed, he's a goddamned maniac mister, and you're an idiot for coming with him! Damnit Duo Maxwell, I'm going to strangle you to death and-"

"Hey...babe...there's a man of God here! Go easy on the language!" Duo admonished and Hilde snarled furiously, rising half off the bed. "And besides, the baby might learn by osmosis and have a potty mouth like yours."

"Well fuck the man of God," The minister winced, muttering a brief prayer. "And fuck this kid." The doctor gasped in pure outrage. "And most of all, fuck you for doing this to me in the first place! Goddamn you and your stupid ideas!" Her voice rose in pitch until she was screaming. "I can't believe you're doing this now! What happened to wedding bells and a church...or...or the wedding march or even a goddamn ring???"

"Uh well, actually babe..." Duo dropped the duffel bag he was carrying and began pulling out articles, "Okay, I've got it all figured out, wedding bells..." Hilde's eyes widened as he pulled out large carriage bells that once graced the horse stall of Relena's favorite mare. They jangled raucously, their notes discordant and harsh instead of sweetly chiming. She gasped, opening her mouth to scream, but another contraction gripped her, effectively shutting her up.

"The wedding march." He pulled out a stereo system and glanced at the doctor quizzically. "Where's the electric outlet, by the way?" The doctor gave him a scathing glare from where she knelt, but Duo was grinning with his famous Maxwell charm that had melted harder hearts than hers. "Aww, come on doc...you sure you wanna stand in the way of a wedding? I'll let you be the maid of honor...." He wheedled, and her expression softened into an exasperated smile before, with a sigh, she pointed to the counter. Duo winked cheerfully and holstered his gun, plugging the radio in. "Thanks doc, you're a charm."

"And you are a madman." Hilde hissed, digging her fingers into the bedding. The contractions were coming closer and closer now and it was all she could manage to keep on talking. Her voice was hoarse with pain. "I can't believe you Duo! Why are you doing this to me?? What did I ever do to you?"

Duo grinned, blowing her a kiss, "Like you said, babe, I'm a maniac. Now, back to the inventory. Hey babe, what do you think of the cake?" Instead of the three-tiered wedding cake with pink roses and white hand whipped frosting, he pulled out a Chicken Pot Pie from KFC's, still steaming hot and slightly squashed. "I've even got the little figurines they put on it, too." he pulled out a Barbie and Ken doll and set them besides the "cake". Hilde was almost crying, certainly, she was whimpering. "I couldn't bring the church, babe...hey, I'm good, but not that good."

This was ludicrous. Horse bells, chicken pot pie, Ken and Barbie, and the doctor as a bridesmaid? "This is a hell of a farce, Duo!" Hilde yelled, but he had already started the CD and strains from the wedding march were playing with the harsh metallic additions of static. Duo frowned, then hit the machine. It fuzzed and snapped before finally working right.

"Okay, lets get the show on the road!" He caroled and positioned himself beside Hilde, an idiotic grin still plastered to his face. Hilde gave him a fulminating glare. The minister glanced at the couple, then raised an eyebrow at Duo as he folded his hands neatly in front of him.

"It seems to me that this lady does not wish to be wed, sir. I cannot carry out the ceremony unless I find that both parties are willing. Perhaps at another time...?"

"There will be no other time, this braided baka is dead." Hilde hissed, grabbing a hold of Duo's braid. Before he could stop her, she gave it a vicious yank, almost sending him careening to the floor.

"Hhhoooollyyyy CRAP!" Duo cussed, trying to unwind her stubborn fingers from his mahogany tresses. "Remember babe, this is the father of your child and have pity on the hair!"

"Shut up Duo!" was the furious reply. "There will be no wedding if you're dead!!!"

"Oi, the God of Death will...ow damnit!...risk anything...babe, pain, ow ow owfor the sake of...kuso!...a well rounded family!" He motioned for the minister to begin only to receive a patient shake of the head. "Damn, why are you all against me??? Just start the ceremony or you'll have one pissed off Shinigami on your hands and I'm not going to take any responsibility for what I'm gonna do to your goddamn church if you don't do it now!"

The minister hesitated before sighing in capitulation. "I'll need a Bible please."

Duo waved wildly towards his duffel before grappling at Hilde's hands again, which had managed to wrap around his throat. "Come on babe...it's not that bad, is it?"

"Did you even buy a ring, Maxwell? Did you?!"

Duo winced. "Tinsel will have to do for...gack." Her fingers had increased their pressure. "Babe...can't...breathe..."

"That's the point!" Hilde practically screeched but the doctor looked up in alarm.

"Ms. Schleibeker, push please, I can't do this alone, you know and your baby is coming any minute now."

"That's what you said half an hour ago!" Hilde panted, but nonetheless, did as the doctor directed, contracting her abdominal muscles. There was a knock on the door and Relena peeked in hesitantly.

Her eyes widened at the pandemonium that reigned in the room and momentarily forgot about the people that were crowded at her back, listening avidly to every scream and curse that came from the half-opened door. "Is everything all right? Do you need anything?" She asked, diplomatically ignoring the chaotic scene before her. "We...ah...heard you...talking."

Four pairs of eyes turned to her.

"Please get the nurse, Ms. Dorlain."

"Get me a goddamn baseball bat!"

"Perhaps a real Bible would be nice, instead of Idiot's Guide to Catechisms?"

"Nah, everything's fine in here, 'jousan! The Shinigami has got everything under control!" (I'll leave it to you to figure out who said what)

Relena blinked and backed out of the room. "I-I'll get the nurse...and see if I can find the Bible."

"We don't have time for that, can we just start with what you have?" Duo was starting to turn an interesting mixture of blue and chartreuse from lack of air and vexation, so with a sigh, the priest began.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to witness the joining of..." He paused. "What were your names again?"

"Duo Maxwell, Hilde Schliebeker." Duo supplied helpfully, only to receive another yank from Hilde.

"Shut up Duo!" Both men ignored her.

"Thank you. Duo Maxwell and Hilde Schliebeker."

"Just skip this part, willya? I don't think we got the time." Duo glanced nervously at the doctor who was crooning reassurances to Hilde. "Hey doc, how's my baby?"

She spared a second to give him a strained smile of reassurance that belied the furrows of anxiety that marred her brow. She cocked her head up at him and said soothingly, "The baby's fine, Mr. Maxwell, go on or you'll be a father before you're a husband."

That, for some reason, had Duo in a bit of a panic. "Hey, you heard the lady, can we hurry this thing up??"

The minister rubbed his temples to ward off the incoming migraine. "I've been through many a strange wedding before, I must say, but this takes the proverbial cake." He murmured to himself before continuing. "Do you, Duo Maxwell, take Hilde Schliebeker to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love and protect through-"

"Yeah, whatever, hurry up!"

"Do you, Hilde Schl-"

"Hell no!"

"Hilde!"

"I'm in the middle of giving birth here, Duo! Just shut up!"

Duo glanced at Hilde. "So you don't want to marry me right now?"

"No, really Duo! Haven't I made that clear???"

"Why, do you really hate me that much?" There was a tinge of sadness in his voice.

"Yes!"

"You do?"

"Damnit, get it into your head right now, I do, damnit, I do!"

"Okay, she said it!" Duo turned triumphantly, causing the Hilde to scream in fury. Duo dodged as her fists sought to make acquaintance with his face. He was saved only by the fact that she was lying flat on her back and thus, unable to reach over her stomach to attempt to kill him againnot for the sake of trying however.

"DAMNIT DUO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!"

"But you said it babe! Hah! Eat that!"

The priest sighed wearily before saying patiently, "I believe she said she didn't want to marry you, Mr. Maxwell."

"But she said, 'I do'," Duo said impatiently, "Look all you have to say is..."

"I afraid that's beyond my moral code." The priest replied apologetically, then held his hands up in a gesture of helplessness as Duo growled and reached for his Magnum MK again. "Do what you will, but I can't pronounce you man and wife until I know for sure that both parties in question are in agreement..."

Duo gave up his appeal on the doctor and turned back to his unwilling bride, hands on hips as he glowered darkly. "What the hell??"

Defiantly, Hilde lifted her chin, shouting back, "You have to ask?!"

"Yes!"

"You men are so dense!"

"Just say it!"

"BAKAYAROO!!! YOU'VE NEVER SAID YOU'VE LOVED ME, YOU _IDIOT_!"

Duo stared in shock at Hilde, his amethyst eyes flared wide and his jaw dangling only a few inches from the ground before he snapped it shut. What he said nextwas typically Guyand typically Duo. "That's IT??? You've put me through Hell because I've never said 'I love you'?! Youyouyou ONNA! Wufei was right, you women are IMPOSSIBLE!!" On the other side of the door, Wufei muttered a brief prayer as he heard this, trying his best to ignore the slitted eyes of his partner. Maxwell no baka, don't you dare get me into your foolish altercation with your onna!

Hilde gasped, pushing with all her might. Already in pain and already furious, she screamed, "SHOVE IT, DUO!"

"YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THIS BECAUSE OF THAT?!"

"SHHHHUUUUUUTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!"

"FINE!" By this time, they were both yelling at the top of their lungs, causing the windowpanes to rattle precariously in their frames. The doctor was attempting to shut out the noise so she could concentrate on the baby. The crown was just appearing and she would need both hands, but with the two shouting parents in the room

"I LOVE YOU, ALL RIGHT? THERE, DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY YOU IDIOTIC ONNA!"

"BE THAT WAY! AND DON'T CALL ME ONNA, YOU JACKASS!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!" There was a pause after that, the only sound in the room the quiet rasping of Hilde's breath. Even the obstetrician was quiet, uncertain, over this new turn of events and looked from the priest, to Duo, and back, before turning back to the baby. Her body giving one last heave, Hilde arched her back as she hissed loudly, grabbing onto the bedding before collapsing.

"Ouch," she mumbled a trifle breathlessly. Then, "My baby, is he...she...?" There was a loud slap and then, the lusty wail of a child broke the tableau, causing Hilde slump in relief on the bed, pearls of sweat running down her face.

The doctor smiled as she gently washed the child off with an antiseptic cloth, careful to wipe the eyes and the nose to get rid of the bacteria. She beamed at Duo, presenting him with the baby before patting Hilde on the arm. "Congratulations, my dear. It's a girl. You did good."

The minister's quiet cough seemed explosive in the silence, causing the couple to stare at him in exhaustion and remnants of anger. He smiled slightly. "By the powers ordained upon me by the Holy Church, I now pronounce you, man and wife. Congratulations. You may now kiss the bride." (massive sweatdrop)

***

The door closed quietly behind the doctor and the priest, leaving the new parents alone in the room. Duo almost didn't hear them go, he was so awed by the sight of his baby. She was perfect, cherubic mouth opened in a tiny yawn. Her eyes were an indistinct grayish-blue, the color of the clouds right before a storm and she wasDuo sat on the bed beside Hilde, who was still half dazed. He wanted to comfort her and hold her, but he just couldn't seem to take his eyes off his child. "She's beautiful...oi, she's gonna look just like you, babe."

Hilde glanced at Duo as he placed the baby on her chest, her arms going instinctively around the small bundle. A smile wavered, then broke across her lips as she touched the silky smooth cheek of her baby. "She's so sweet...isn't she? Hi...hello baby..." Hilde laughed softly, leaning against Duo as he put an arm around her. Eyes blinked sleepily up at Hilde, then a large burp, quite out of proportion to such a small baby, made her parents chuckle. "She has your manners, Duovoi, I hope she grows outta that!"

"Hey!" Duo glared without heat at his new wife. "I take offense at that!"

"Good." Hilde grumbled and sighed. "She's sleepingvisn't she" Suddenly, Hilde's eyes widened and she jerked her head up, listening. She turned accusing eyes on Duo. "Did you-" His sheepish smile was all the answer she needed. "DUO!"

"I was in a rush!" When she glared threateningly at him, he raised his hands in a gesture of innocence. Amethyst eyes twinkling devilishly, he shrugged blandly, warning, "Remember babe, I'm the father of your child and I love you."

Hilde's face softened, after all, she had been waiting for a longshe caught herself and sighed in disgust, reaching out a hand. "I can't believe I have to do this already...give me your gun."

Duo's eyes widened, "Uh..."

"Now, Duo!" Duo contemplated the door and the steadily rising volume of militant voices arguing insistently with Relena's authoritative exasperation and winced. Quickly, he pulled out a gun and stood, half-cringing, behind the bed as Hilde leveled the gun straight at the door, just as three uniformed police exploded into the room, causing the baby to wake up with a mewling cry of confusion and protest.

"Look, there he is! You are under arrest for-"

"Hold it!" There was an ominous click that froze the men in their tracks, and they cautiously turned to the cerulean-eyed she-devil that was glowering at them from her position on the bed. And in her hand

"Lady, it's illegal to bring a weapon into the hospital, and you don't understand! That guy's armed and dangerous! He's been causing public disorder at several locations in the-"

Hilde glanced at Duo, an eyebrow raised. I'll deal with you later, she promised silently, before turning her attention to the waiting enforcers.

"Gentlemen," Hilde stressed sarcastically, "Firstly, I just finished giving birth, which is in itself painful and harrowing."

"But-"

"Secondly, you came barging in here without a by-your-leave and woke up my baby!"

"But ma'am-"

"I'm not finished!" Like a row of soldiers, her audience snapped to attention. After all, when a woman spoke, it was best to listene...specially if she was virtually spitting fire like this one was. Hilde waited for a splint second, then continued, smiling grimly. Her tone was scathing as she said too quietly, "Thirdly, gentlemen, I am a hormonally-charged, totally exhausted, newlywed/mother and the goddamn idiot that you are trying to shoot is my husband!!!" Silence. Shock. Confusion.

The men glanced nervously at each other before, almost in unison, they coughed, mumbled congratulations, and turned quickly to crowd through the narrow door. A crazy man? That was not unusual. They could deal with a psychopath. But the psychopath's wife with a Magnum MK in her hands? Forget it. They would log it in and make formal complaints to the Preventers later. It was a moot point really that if they went through those lines, the files would get conveniently lost amidst paperwork and legalities. That wasn't their business. Their business was staying alive long enough to mind their own business.

As the door closed behind the three unwelcome guests, Hilde turned to Duo, opening her mouth to embark on a furious tirade...but met the effectively muffling force of his lips instead.

After a while, he pulled away, grinning. "Did I ever tell you that I'm really, really glad that I married you, babe?"

"Stuff it, Duo. That's not going to get you off the hoo-" Duo obligingly kissed her again to shut her up, only releasing her when she started to sputter from lack of oxygen. She glared at him.

"Don't think that's going to work all-" With a Shinigami grin, the God of Death tipped his Lady's head back again. After all, if there wasn't a problem with the solution, why change it? This time when Duo lifted his head, Hilde simply blinked up at him, at last, perfectly silent as she struggled for breath.

Smirking slightly, Duo leaned against the headboard, slipping his arms around Hilde's waist. "Babe, we've got to name the kid."

"Hmm"

"So I've got a suggestion...."

"Hmm?"

"Bob."

"WHAT?"

"Bobby?"

"NO!"

"Bobette?"

"Duo, NO, NO, NO!"

"Bobettina Solo Schliebeker Maxwell the First?"

"MAXWELL!"

"Ow! Babe, watch the hair!"

~Owari

FINISHED!!!!!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA...HA *pant* HA *wheeze* HA....aw*pant* forget the evil laughter. Finished, finished, finished! *throws confetti in the air*

*Duo pops up* Don't you have to write an epilogue?

Chibi-Sable: NO! I don' wanna!

Duo: But we never find out what the baby's name is-

Sable: LIVE WITH IT! I'M FINISHED! PPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. : P

Duo: *pouts* But _I_ never find out what my own kid's name is. That sucks!

Sable: POOH (to quote a friend) tha's not da point!

Duo: Now Sable

Sable: *pulls out huge pair of scissors and grins with maniacal evilness/cuteness that only chibis can portray*

Duo: Oooookkkaayyy....no epilogue... *sweatdrop* okay, I can live with that

*Grins and blows a kiss* Finis, demoiselles and monsieurs! Aimez-vous l'histoire? Ecrivez-moi un petit mot, n'est pas? Je vous aime! (And now in English: Finished, ladies and gentlemen! Did you like the story? (I do _not_ know how to write "fanfic" in French) Write me a little note, ok? Luv ya!)