BITTERSWEET MEMORIES: THROUGH the EYES of a CHILD

Chapter Eight

Birds were calling shrilling to each other in the park, winging around busily for warmth and food, and begging with liquid brown eyes for a crumb from a child's sandwich. Duo sighed, letting the frigid January breeze sweep chestnut bangs from his face, arching his back, which had gone stiff from staying in one position too long. But no matter how long he looked at the snowdrifts and the tumbling children that threw snowballs at each other with cheerful abandon, he couldn't think of a solution.

He felt a strong attraction to Hilde, he even loved her, but she kept on pushing him to take that final plunge, and he didn't know if he was ready for that kind of commitment. He liked being answerable to no one, not that he had ever been unfaithful of course. It was just the principle of the matter: being able to do what one wanted at whatever time one wanted to. And then there was that baby

Damn...I swear I used protection, every...singletime! There is no way

Protection? Haven't you read the labels, baka-boy? Condoms only work 95% of the time and the only way to be sure is NOT to have sex. But you weren't willing to do THAT, now were you?!

Oh noyou. What are you doing here? Bothering me? Don't I already have enough to worry about?? Duo grimaced as his subconscious took a life of its own, replying, in of all voices, Solo's, a high soprano with promises of becoming bass with maturity. Duo leaned back, sighing as he almost saw the mischievous grin that played on the other boy's face. It was so long and he was still there, taking care of him, advising himalthough it seemed ludicrous now. A shrimpy kid was advising him when he was a full adult.

Yeah yeah whatever. Listen up, you messed up. You screwed the pooch. You did the doo-doo big time! I can't believe you could be that stupid! Well, yeah I did, but this is your girlfriend, so I figured that you would do better

What?! What did I-

Gonna play dense? Do I have to spell it out? Hellooo!! If a little kid like me could get it, why can't the big, bad, Shinigami?

Oh shut up, you're dead, remember? Duo sighed, memories of pain and fear coming back to him in a noxious wave, but Solo would have none of it.

DON'T go into a this-is-all-my-fault-I'm-so-pitiful-mommy-hold-my-hand mode Duo! Came the snapping voice That happened a long time ago, totally unrelated to the subject at hand. We were talking about Hilde. You know, the buxom, raven-haired beauty with the blue eyes? The one that you've been sleeping with for about a year now? The one that made you say 'Oh yeah babe, touch-

OKAY!! Let's NOT go there! Duo squirmed in embarrassment and a passing mother swiveled her head around giving him a puzzled look. He laughed self-consciously, waving a hand slightly before slumping back in the bench, tugging his baseball cap lower. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the woman back away uneasily, then take off down the grass-lined path, throwing wary glances behind her all the way. Greatshe thinks I'm crazy now

Oh, so I did get your attention with the last one, eh? I thought I would. There was a smirk in his voice that Duo clearly remembered, complementing the wide grin that had flashed across Solo's mischievous face. Well, now we've gotten back to our original subjectHilde. Baby. Marriage. Now. Need I say more?

Duo blinked, wondering if he wasn't going crazy himself. Here he was, sitting in the park, talking to his subconscious that just happened to sound like a boy that he knew a long time ago. He resisted the urge to pinch himself, asking instead, So it's mine?

DuhYou already knew that. You've just been avoiding the fact because you don't want to be the one at fault. You've been looking for some ulterior motive when she gave you everything, plain and unsweetened, for you to chew. The only problem is now you're having trouble swallowing! Solo snickered. You always had that problem, Duo swallowing reality.

I don't understand. I only-

Well, hate t'break it to ya pal, but I'm dead, and so's Sister Helen and Father Maxwell, though you keep some of our personality wallowing in this miserable excuse for a mind. Have you ever considered dusting up here?

Wait a moment, why isn't Father Maxwell's voice giving this kind of advice then?! Why you??

Bakayou need uscall us the three faces of your unconscious. In other words, your brain knows what's right, you don't. And about Daddy Maxwelldo you reaIly want the stern voice of God booming in your ear right now? 'Duo Maxwell, Sister Helen and I have taught you better than that. Morality! What did you we teach you of morality and life, Duo?!'

Duo laughed, shifting in his bench to tip his head up towards the sky, watching the sun shine lazily on the ice, refracting into a rainbow of light. No, I guess not. That imitation isn't quite right, by the way. He never said things in that kind of voicemaybe slightly disapproving, but never like that.

Yeah, whatever. You think I actually know the guy? All I'm doing is being that little guardian demon on your shoulder, bat wings and scythe added, though I'm working on that baseball cap thing.

Suddenly feeling lighter of heart, Duo chuckled, real enjoyment on his face for the first time inin a very long time. Hands off the scythe, buddythat's mine! Duo's laughter rang across the park, causing two kids to look up from their snowman, head tilted quizzically. When he just grinned at them, the little girl stood up, brushing the snow from her coveralls, before running over, her two tawny eyes blinking up at him.

"Whatcha laughing at, mister?" She stretched up her arms to be held and Duo obliged with a twinkle in his eye, sitting the child on the bench beside him.

"Nothing to worry your pretty, little mind about, sweetheart. Grown up stuff." He tweaked her frost-chilled nose and she made a face, rubbing it with a mitten-covered hand. The boy wandered hesitantly away from the snowman, before climbing on the bench by his sister, peeking up at him from beneath his hooded parka. Duo smiled, "Whatcha doin, bud?"

"Nothin." He lisped back shyly, then ducked behind the elder girl.

" I'm Tina. That's Jeremy. He's my little brother. Jeremy, say hi, or he'll think that you have no manners!" Tina gave an impatient wiggle, pulling her brother half-way on her lap. "He's just a baby, so I have to take care of him." She added, causing Jeremy to look up indignantly, bashfulness forgotten.

"M'not!"

"Hey, lets not fight, okay?" Duo laughed, ruffling the girl's hair and she batted away his hands, giggling. "There's too much fighting in this world anyway, right?"

"Mmmm" She sat Jeremy on her lap, arms around his waist as she made sure her little brother was comfortable and wouldn't fall off. Duo almost chuckled at the fastidious examination she gave his buttoned coat and laced shoes before turning serious eyes back to Duo. "Mommy said that a few years ago when I was a baby, Miz Relena an' the Gundam pilots saved the world from war. And before that, they went into outer space and beat up the White Fang-"

"An Othz!" Jeremy chimed in enthusiastically.

"And OZ," Tina amended, nodding, "And forced them to make peace. They're so cool!"

"Kew!" Jeremy agreed, a gap-toothed grin lighting on his cherubic face. His own brown eyes twinkled with delighted innocent as he waved his hands in excitement, "Dey fought! In bwig mobwile sthwoots!"

"Yep!" Tina said cheerfully, trying to balance her brother's excited antics, "Five pilots, right?"

Duo choked, then managed a nod, "Uhyeah. Five. But there were a lot of soldiers that died in the wars. The pilots weren't heros, babe. Just people tired of fighting. And afterwards, they went home too, cuz there were people back home waiting for 'em."

"Really? Tell us who!" The two children, sensing a story, turned their chibi-charm on high, two pairs of eyes blinking with sweet ingenuousness at him under sooty lashes. Duo's reserve was completely undone, and he realized with a start, that he would be conditioned like this, 24/7, ifwhenthe baby came. He wasn't quite sure if he liked someone being able to jerk his chain like thatwell, Hilde was an exception, but a baby? Tina blinked once, then offered a tremulous smile. "Please?" He was lost.

Sighing in exasperated amusement, Duo leaned back in his seat to regard the two little cherubs. "Well, the pilot of 01 is-"

"-Engaged to Queen Relena." Tina said impatiently. "We know, everyone does! What about the others?" Duo suppressed a grin at her eagerness.

"Oi, oihold on there, little girl! One pilot at a time! Now, 03's pilot joined a circus" The children nodded. After all, if someone could pilot a huge mobile suit and fight off all the bad guys single-handed, then joining the circus wasn't that great a leap in the imagination, was it? "He works as an acrobat with his sister, Catherine Bloom, who's a knife thrower."

"Tigwers?" Jeremy asked anxiously and Duo grinned.

"Nahlions."

"Oooh" Tina and Jeremy murmured in a chorus.

"Yep. And 04, well, he was rich beforehand, so he went home to his sisters." Duo held up a finger, anticipating their next question with a grin, "All twenty-nine of them."

Tina's eyes widened. "Wowhis mommy and daddy must have kissed on the mouth lots of times!" Duo choked, and sputtered, feeling a flush climb his neck.

"Uhyeahuh huh." How could you explain to a nine-year old that kissing didn't make babies? And there was more than one way to make themDuo sighed mentally, I'm not getting into that one "And 05, well, he works as a Preventer."

"The Preventers?" Tina asked, awed. "WowI'm gonna be a Preventer when I grow up!"

"Me thwoo!" Jeremy added, but Tina shook her head affectionately.

"No, you're not. It's too dangerous. You're gonna be a doctor." Ignoring her brother's sulky expression, she turned back to Duo. "What about pilot 02? What did he become, an astronaut?"

"Sthwuperman?"

"Rock star?"

Duo laughed at their whimsy. "Noactually he became an owner of a junkyard." Identical expressions of mournful disillusionment caused him to add, "but he was the luckiest of all."

"Why?" Tina asked, puzzled. "He didn't get anything out of the war. Except junk."

Duo coughed, then shrugged. "ActuallyHe got a lot out of the waran apartment on the L2 colony, a job, and a girl that he really, really liked." Duo's smiled dimmed slightly. "But he was an idiot, and he let his chance go by."

Tina blinked, then tilted her head to the side. "Why did he do that?"

"Well, you see, heerkissed her on the mouth" The children made faces at that word.

"Ewwwkissing!"

"Yeah well, he kissed his girl, and she got pregnant. But he was an idiot, and wouldn't believe that the baby was his. So she left."

"Did he go after her?"

"Yeah...noI dunno." Duo shook his head, startled to find that he was confessing to a bunch of kids what he wouldn't admit to even himself. Maybe because their innocence, their unwillingness to judge, made it easier for him to unburden some of his troubles. That, and they probably didn't understand anyway, he added with a grin. They were too young to understand the senility of adults.

Whoo hoo! The baka finally sees the light!

I thought I told you to shut up. Duo thought, before turning back to them. "He's around somewhere, trying to figure it all out." Duo grinned crookedly. "And when he does, he has to go back and talk to his girl about what's going to happen to them, or he has to walk away and let her live her own life. So" Duo waved his arm expansively across the park. "He was the luckiest guy in the worldand he still issorta. After all, he has a chance of getting back together with his girl. But now he has to make the right decision." For a moment, Tina stared up at him with wise eyes, even as her brother shook his head obviously baffled.

She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, a woman hurried up to them, obviously harried. "Where were you? I told you to stay in the park and not talk to strangers! I'm really sorry." She apologized, looking at Duo, and he grinned.

"Hey, no sweat. You got adorable kids, ma'am." She nodded, her strained expression easing somewhat.

"Yes, I knowthey're my world." She hugged Tina lovingly before picking Jeremy up. "But sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to do with them, they run around so much!" She laughed, planting a kiss on Jeremy's face, and he squirmed, a scowl wrinkling his expression.

"Mommy!!" He wiped his cheek in disgust. "M'not a baby!"

Duo laughed, standing up to help the woman as she struggled into her coat, then she fluffed her brown hair and turned to smile at him. "Thank you for taking care of themI didn't know they would run off like that!"

"Like I said, it wasn't anything." Duo assured her. "They kept me company when they saw this lonely guy just sitting on the benchso" The lady laughed at his expression of violet-eyed mischief before motioning her children to follow her away, scolding gently.

Tina paused, still looking up at Duo, and he grinned, making shooing gestures. "Go on. You're mom will be mad if she finds out that you're gone again."

She hesitated, before stubbornly adding, "He should go back to her, pilot 02, I mean. He's being a poopy-head."

In the back of his mind, Duo heard Solo's choked laughter and grinned reluctantly despite himself. "Yeah, he is, isn't he?"

Tina nodded, then asked, "Do you think there'll be a happy ending?"

Duo hunkered down until they were face to face, amethyst eyes meeting brown ones. "You know what babe, I'm not surebut I do know that pilot 02 has to come to his senses some day. And that girl is really specialso he'll probably go back and talk it out with her one more time. And if she doesn't want him, he'll keep on following her until she finally wears down and lets him back in the door. Sound good to you?" Tina blinked, then grinned.

"Yeah!"

"Good. Now scatyou're mom's gonna think that I kidnapped you or something." Tina laughed and ran off, wisps of brown hair trailing behind her in shining streamers. Duo grinned, straightening. Wellnow all he had to do was get the courage to face her again. Mentally, Duo shook off the uncertainty. "Okay, Shinigami! Time for the God of Death to knock at Life's Door and see if he can't get his Hilde back..." He grinned suddenly, "Hah! A little Death running around!" He shook his head. "I am not going to be the one telling him about making babies though"

***

Duo raced across the streets back towards the apartments, barely avoiding a car that careened towards him. He didn't even bother to flip the teenager of as she screamed epithets at him, focused with only one objective in mind. He glanced at the sky, noting that it had darkened to a crimson-orange with the afternoon and blinked in surprise. Was it afternoon already? Well then, he had a lot to do, didn't he? He just hoped that Hilde was home from her job alreadyshould she actually be working in her condition? She was having a baby, for God's sake his baby! Duo grinned in anticipation, imagining a little boy with black as night hair with his mother's dark cerulean eyes with the characteristic Maxwell charm.

He would be perfect, Duo knew, and he would be loved. Now if only he could convince Hilde of that factHe almost barged right past Heero, who was leaned against the wall of the building, his eyes half lidded, but Heero stood up, slightly blocking the entrance. Smiling quickly to mask his impatience, Duo explained, "Hey Heero, Igottagohaveyouseen Hilde? Weneedtotalk. Well,seeyoulater!"

Before he could run up the stairs however, Heero simply replied, "She's not back from her work yet." Duo finally paused, all the energy seeming to drain from his body before he mustered a faint grin, propping himself on the wall next to the perfect soldier. "Oh well, you coulda said something sooner."

Heero raised a brow, but did not otherwise deign to acknowledge that comment as he added, as if inconsequentially, "She is a mechanic."

Duo choked, "In her condition? Why didn't you try to stop her? Is she nuts?? Okay, where's her workplace? Soneone's gotta talk a little sense into her sometimes!"

"Downtown," Heero said automatically then, "Duo!"

"What?!" Duo spun around, braid flapping behind him as his violet eyes snapped in annoyance.

"Here." A packet was tossed his way and Duo caught it neatly, giving it only a cursory glance.

"Yeah yeah, thanks," Duo said absently, flipping it around, "What is it? Never mind, I'll read it later. See ya!" Heero watched him run down the street before walking back the way he came, hands stuffed in his jeans. He hoped that the 'evidence' would help Duo accept the baby as histo enter a relationship, one needed to have the fewest possible number of doubtsthen why did he have this disquieting feeling that he should have left things as they were?

***

Duo really wasn't looking where he was going, so intent was he on getting to the car shop, so he was surprised when he stumbled into a woman, sending them both careening onto the hard cement sidewalk with an audible thud, papers and shopping bags skittering wildly across the street. "Hey, I'm really sor-" he began, then looked closer, "Hilde?"

Cerulean eyes glared up at him, affirming his guess. "Duo, I asked you never to see me againbut isn't attacking me on the street a little conspicuous??" Flushing, Duo scrambled to his feet, giving her a hand up.

"Hilde, we need to talk."

"That's what you always say Duo" Hilde said, bending awkwardly to pick up her shopping bags, then paused, her eyes riveted on the records. "What's this?" She picked up the sheaf of papers, eyes narrowing as her cheeks flushed with anger before she threw the papers onto the ground, confronting the bewildered Shinigami. "My pregnancy records?! These were supposed to be confidential, Duo! You just couldn't take my word on it, had to hack it off the computer, didn't you?!"

"Wha-?" Duo asked in confusion, picking up the papers himself. He scanned them briefly, then his voice caught, "Oh shit"

"Yeah, shit, Duo. Really!" Hilde snapped, shoving past him. He caught her arm, forcing her to look at him.

"Hilde, Heero just shoved the packet into my hands. I had no idea-"

"You know what, Shinigami?" Hilde hissed, whirling around to jab him in the collarbone, "I already told you to stay away from me. If you don't, I'm getting a lawyer, I'm getting a court order. You leave me and the baby alone Duo!"

"Hilde-"

"Leave me alone! God, I should have done this a long time ago!" Pulling back her hand, she swung it with all her might, connecting with his cheek in a solid slap before she backed away, head raised defiantly, "Stay away damnit!" With a final bitter glance, she melted into the crowd, just another figure amongst many.

For a moment, Duo stood there, then shook his head grimly, tossing the papers into a handy trashbin. He leaned against the telephone pole, amethyst eyes narrowing into slits, his features lacking his customary happy-go-lucky-grin as he stared thoughtfully into the throng of people that shoved around him. "No, Hilde, I don't think so. I'm tired of running. I want my babyand I want you. And I'm doing everything in my power to get both of you back."

tbc