Operation Parenthood: Phase Wufei
by Caliko

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam wing.

Prank Wufei!

After checking both ends of the empty hallway, Duo opened his tools and proceeded to pick the high security lock of Chang Wufei's apartment. The computerized security system had already been deactivated, thanks to his partner in pranks. All that was left was the mechanical b.s.
Smiling, he heard the click.

"That's it, Sweety...open up for Duo...." he murmured to the lock.

He had exactly 20 minutes to get this done, as Wufei was due in on the shuttle at any time.

:::No problem. All I have to do is switch a box of condoms!:::

Hilde would NOT tell him what joke shop carried them, but it was shear genius. They came pre-holed, and were meant to scare the willies out of horny couples after sex.

You would switch the condoms, then come in later looking for something to have a water balloon fight with. The trick was, you had to fill the balloons in front of the sexually satisfied couple. They would fill with water for all of 2 seconds...before becoming a traveling shower head.

::::Ah Wufei! After a month and a half of abstinence, this box should be well used!::: He chortled.

He had just switched the packages when he heard a key in the front lock. Cursing as Sally's voice started to sing throughout the house, he quickly dove into the open closet.

::::SHIT!!!:::: he thought, fearing that it was all over.

But... Sally walked right past the partially open door and into the shower. He heard the shower running, and started to ease out of the closet to leave, when Wufei walked into the room.
::::Damn! they came together! Oh well. At least the boxes are switched.::::

Helpless, he could only sit and wait for his chance of escape.

Chang joined Sally in the bathroom, a certain lightness of mood evident in every step. Seconds later, he came out carrying a shrieking Sally over his shoulder.

"You know that you were supposed to be quick woman!" He scolded the blond, smirking.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry I was bad....." Sally demurely looked at the ground, a hint of a smile curling the edges of her mouth.

Duo's jaw dropped. ::::No f-ing way!::: He thought, totally shocked.

Wufei continued, as if Sally hadn't spoken. "Well, what are you waiting for? You know the punishment for keeping your Master waiting!"

:::::Yes, way! Oh, Man! This was too much!:::::

Duo was nearly in tears, realizing that he had perfect blackmail material...and no video camera in site. For the next forty-five minutes, he watched the action, gaining a lot of respect for the

Wu-man in the meantime. He could barely hold his laughter in as Chang reached into the nightstand and grabbed one of the 'special' condoms out of the box. Not even looking at the wrapper, the excited man took it out put it to good (bad?) use.
After the couple fell asleep, Duo quietly crawled out of the closet and made for the door. Once outside of the bedroom, he stood up to leave, and nearly had a heart attack. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sally waving goodbye.

Two Months Later, in the Maxwell Living room:

"Well, Maxwell, I'm certainly glad that you made an honest woman out of Hilde. Now, she can finally hold her head up high, respected as a married woman."

"Oh, yeah, Chang! I had it soooo bad as an unwed mother! Why, all the other mothers in the neighborhood wouldn't walk on the same sidewalk as me!" Her words dripped with sarcasm, but her voice was so innocent that even Duo almost believed her. She gave him a naughty wink and went to refill thier wine glasses.

Passing the bathroom, she wasn't surprised to hear retching coming from within. Sally wouldn't drink anything stronger than juice during dinner, and she couldn't stop cooing over Esme that afternoon. Her very actions shouted, "PREGNANT!" in large, bold capital letters. Phase one complete!

"Sally, are you alright?" she knocked on the door, wishing to collaborate on pregnancy horrors.

"Um... I'm fine! I'm Fine!" Came the blonde's frantic replies.

"Are you sure? I remember how hard it was those early months. I couldn't keep down water!"

Without warning, she was pulled into the tight, narrow bathroom and glared at.

"What are you talking about?" Sally demanded.

"Your pregnant, aren't you?" Hilde was very calm, very matter of fact.

"Um.. yeah, but how did you know?"

"Oh, let's see... You didn't have any wine at dinner, you carefully stayed away from anything with an acidic sauce, you've mooned over my daughter, and you've looked guilty every time Wufei said that he would never have kids. Why is that, anyway? You would think that he would jump at the chance to have a son. Oh, never mind. So...I take it Wufei doesn't know?"

"Not a clue, and I don't know how to tell him."

"Well... He's going to yell no matter how you tell him. The good thing is, he's a man that honestly likes children. That's why I was surprised that he didn't want any!"

"Hilde... Esme's birth scared him. I don't plan on telling that man until I have to. He is destined to drive me crazy as it is, and I would just as soon put it off. Promise me you won't say anything?"

"Who? Me? It's none of my business!" She gave her this perfectly innocent smile, and if you didn't know better...you would believe her.

"Oh? So.. why was Duo hiding in Wufei's closet two months ago?"

"He was looking for a picture?" Hilde tried.

"Ummm.... sure. It was probably another prank. I don't want to know! Just make sure I'm not involved, ok?"

"Oh, trust me, Sally. You won't be involved in any further pranks."

::::::That was just too easy.....::::::

Next month, in Relena's office

"Yes, Mrs. Maxwell! Miss Relena will be right with you!

"Thank you, Annie!" Hilde smiled at Relena's personal assistant as she waited for the minister of peace to come out. She patiently picked up a magazine, wondering how she was going to pull this one off. It was now Relena and Heero's turn...

"Hilde!" The blond called, looking around the reception area. For some reason, she appeared very nervous. "Come in, come in! I've been wanting to ask your advice on something...."

:::::Relena wants MY advice? How strange.....::::

She shrugged and followed her into the office. Relena kept looking around, as if she expected to find someone in the curtains. Finally, she sat down on the couch across from Hilde, and said,

"How did you get Duo to sleep with you?"

:::Ok...This is not what I expected....::::

"Sleep with me? Relena, men are walking hormones. All it takes is a little hint! Trust me, it's not that difficult!"

"Have you ever dated Heero Yuy?" The blond asked, tedium etched into her expression.

"No.... I was already with Duo when I met him."

"Well, Heero is an idiot! He acts like I don't have needs! He has me up upon a pedestal, and refuses to let me touch ground. I am tired of it! I am....Damn it, I'm horny!" Her bluntness shocked even her, but Hilde started laughing.

"It's not funny, girl!"

"Yes, it is! Oh, god! I never would have thought that you would have trouble getting Heero into bed!"

"Well....."

"Oh, look, I'm sorry! Really! If you want, I'll help you plan something devious! Would that be alright?"

"Would you?" Hilde's offer seemed to perk Relena up.

"Oh course! What are friends for? Hey, do you have any Condoms?"

Sally's place, that night

"Woman! What's wrong with you?" Wufei's voice yelled through the door.

Shocked, Sally lifted her head up from the toilet bowl, wondering when he got back.

"I'm fine, Wufei! Just have a slight stomach virus! Can you make me some dry toast?"

"Are you sure it's only a virus? I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you've been looking like death warmed over, lately."

He ignorantly went on, while Sally battled with enraged pregnancy hormones. Shooting a glare at the idiot through the door, she flushed the toilet and got up to wash her hands. Afterward, she could still hear him picking on her looks. Still, she held her cool until he reached her weight.

"....you gaining weight? Sally, you know obesity isn't healthy! Especially in our work! Do you plan on.....AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" She could ignore a lot, but that man just went too far!

Sally opened the door, and stepped aside as he fell through and fell flat on the floor. Towering over him, she gave him the most evil glare she was capable of, and bluntly told him why she was looking so horrible.

"I'm pregnant, you sexist idiot! YOUR child is making me ill, and no wonder! Look at it's father!"
She then stepped over the shocked pilot and went to lie down. If he was smart, he'd have her toast in her hand, with a cup of sweetened tea in ten minutes.